The Ironic Death of Link
by Amish-PalmPilot
Summary: What happens after Link saves Hyrule: Malon gets kidnapped by Ganondorf's only helper who survived. Link must set out to save her from certain death! Please drop your comments! FLAME if you must! JUST REVIEW! ...Please?


Zelda and her friends sat 'round The old Great Deku Tree. A giant marijuana plant they found Was his true identity.  
  
At any rate, there they sat, In a hazy celebration. They were getting very high for that They held their breath for such duration.  
  
Navi, being a ball of light, Had trouble getting the pipe to her mouth; Link held the pipe to make everything right And Navi got toked as a goose flying south.  
  
Navi was tripping on the stuff And getting really strange. Had they not been doped up her friends would have been rough And told her that she was deranged.  
  
"I'm truly the Great Goddess, Nayru" she said. "Reincarnated after leaving Hyrule! The Goddess of wisdom, but wisdom is dead! The country is headed by fucking fools!  
  
A great, long snake is eating me; I'm being burned in its fiery belly. When it dies, I shall be reborn, you see! And the morons will melt into jelly!"  
  
They started seeing freaky things, Like fishes, swimming round. Ruto thought she heard a phone ring, Went to get it and fell to the ground.  
  
All high around the Deku Tree,  
Our friends were still quite spry. Zelda looked around anxiously, Claiming, "Whoa...there's a light in the sky!"  
  
Link and Malon got really horny And started making out. Zelda and Ruto joined the party, And Navi started to shout:  
  
"Fuck you fools! You morons! You'll die! Did you not hear what I said?!? You are all going to fry! Soon you will all be dead!"  
  
"Navi, stop being so pissy!" They then started to undress. The small crowd just kept on kissing And then...you know the rest.  
  
After their fun they all fell asleep There upon the ground. Their sleep, I fear, was much too deep, And they were too easily found.  
  
In the middle of the dusky night The evil man crept in. His goal was to pick a fight For he was full of sin.  
  
Grumph, one of Ganondorf's followers Whom Link had not yet killed Had dark vile powers And he was very skilled.  
  
In his cruel, hideous talons He took the poor ranch girl. Her name was only Malon. It made Grumph want to hurl.  
  
On the morrow Link awakened To find that his girl had left. Then Link was feeling shaken. Perhaps there had been a theft.  
  
Link got up to check the mail And found a disturbing note. "Come to the marketplace, and do not fail Or I'll kill your love," he wrote.  
  
But unknown to Link it was a trap The evil Grumph had planned. Poor little Link would get quite a zap. Oh, Grumph thought it grand.  
  
They walked into the square  
Link saw Grumph standing across the way.  
Grumph met his eyes and they began to stare  
And Grumph knew this would be his dying day.  
  
Grumph began to crumble,  
He thought he was going to die.  
As his hands started to tremble,  
Behind him Malon began to cry.  
  
They stood for just a moment more  
Then the fight began.  
He hoped that Link would him ignore  
If he attacked an innocent man.  
  
He threw a grenade  
And through the air it flew.  
No one could go to the poor man's aid.  
Like a cell during cytokynesis, he was ripped in two.  
  
Link was revolted.  
Grumph saw his strategy was working.  
So yet another grenade he bolted,  
And someone lay there, twitching and jerking.  
  
Screaming and thrashing,  
His liver and kidney spilled out through the gash.  
Their pink and purple colors clashing,  
So they looked like corn beef hash.  
  
Another person was thrown by the blast,  
His head crushed like a watermelon,  
Its expiration date long since past.  
Laughter bubbled forth from the felon.  
  
Pieces of the rock flew through the air  
And into a bystander's neck  
Creating a tear.  
Grumph was not playing with a full deck.  
  
His spinal column then was shattered,  
His blood vessels torn like silly string,  
His body broken and battered,  
His spirit then took wing.  
  
Link began to rush at Grumph.  
Link had such anger in his eye.  
Grumph realized it was not enough  
Although he might have just been high.  
  
He searched around for someone to kill  
His eyes fell upon Ruto.  
The fish he would grill.  
He declared her his new foe.  
  
He began to squeeze her,  
And like some vile cannibal shish kabob,  
The lungs her ribs did puncture,  
And she gave out her dying sob.  
  
Grumph did like this new sensation  
Of crushing people into bloody pulps.  
Like some mutated creation  
His next victim nervously gulped.  
  
When he squeezed, the bones did crackle  
Like a wet rice crispie.  
Grumph laughed like a jackal,  
Organs squelching like silly putty.  
  
The man's insides twisted like a scrambled egg;  
He wished that he would die.  
But with Grumph you could not beg.  
His blood spilled out like a vivid dye.  
  
Link had had enough.  
Nothing could come between them now.  
Link squished Grumph's head like a cream puff.  
What happened next made Link say, "Wow."  
  
Grumph's spinal column was rammed through his head.  
It made everyone a tad queasy.  
His cerebellum hanging by a thread,  
His medulla slopped in a display of horrid anatomy.  
  
Malon began to cheer,  
Though the townspeople all were dead.  
She'd missed her Linky dear.  
"I love you, Link!" she said.  
  
A celebration they did plan.  
A round of acid for everyone.  
But soon their joy was san;  
The acid had their lives undone.  
  
(They died) 


End file.
